Use Your Tongue to Save the King

You are the official taste tester for King Dankmore, long may he go unpoisoned. Stoically, you stand to the right of his golden throne, ready to chow down for your kingdom. The spindly, bearded king whispers to you, “I would trade places with you in a heartbeat. You get to sample the finest food in the land, with none of the responsibilities of statehood! Eat up, you lucky duck!” He chuckles to himself, then winks at you. How you hate him.

The stone-walled banquet hall in Castle Dankmore is playing host to royalty and dignitaries from the rival kingdom, Moredank. This is a very special occasion. You are celebrating the clearing of the king’s eye gunk. For the last few weeks, King Dankmore was waking up with little crusties in his eyes, but now they’re gone. No doubt, this was the divine intervention of the Lord our savior, ruler of everything, bestowing a holy gift upon his greatness, the blessed king. Or maybe it just was an allergy thing. Who can say?

The meal is about to begin. The long table holds an array of delectable treats: roast peacock seasoned with exotic pepper, roast whale seasoned with priceless nutmeg, traditional pidgeon-rat pies served without flavors, cooked apples of various sizes, countless raisin bowls, and for dessert: coal black custard.

“A toast,” the king says, raising his overflowing wine goblet. Everyone raises their glass at once. “To peace between our kingdoms, and between my eyelids.” They all concur. The king hands you his glass to taste. As you take it, out of the corner of your eye you see Nigel Snivels, hand to King Moredank, rubbing his hands together with a sinister smile. The red wine in the goblet bubbles, which is uncommon in your experience.

What would you like to do?

If you want to taste the wine, open your refrigerator, close your eyes, and pull out an item at random. Find the “expiration,” “best by,” or “sell by” date.

If the item has no date on it, choose another item at random.