You are a giant monster trying to take a nap in the middle of Times Square. It was hard to get comfortable at first, but once you knocked over M&M World for leg room, you found that Hamilton: The Store made for a decent pillow. Someone keeps shooting sharp pellets at your ears. It’s tiny […]
Suddenly, you awaken to the clanking sound of your cell door opening. You’re an Athenian prisoner of war, captured by your Spartan enemies, so yeah. You’ve had better days. A Spartan soldier appears in front of you, ordering you to follow him. “So, am I to be freed?” you ask, naively. Spartan laughter – obnoxiously […]
You’re a bounty hunter on a risky mission: sleep in a hammock without destroying it. This is hammock number six, because you weigh so much (all muscle), the ropes on your hammocks keep snapping. But you love hammocks! After a long week chasing perps, pervs, and perks (AAA membership has more than a few), you […]
This monster will reach the town if you don’t stop it right here, right now. You bravely leap head first at the giant, viscous cube before you, lunging at it with your Sword of Righteousness. As you do, you scream your signature battlecry: “This is a good ideaaaaaaa!” With a loud SPLAT, you find yourself […]
You are an energetic, tentacled blue trainer at StarPumpers Gym and Wellness Casino. This is where young space warriors come to pump up, self-actualize, and grow into the best galactic heroes they can be – for only 80 credits per month (with 200 credit per year equipment destruction insurance and 3000 credit early cancellation fee […]
A group of elves stare at you from across your desk. Normally, they’d be jolly and making rolling wooden duck toys – every child’s favorite – but right now they are anxious and impatiently grumbling. You stare out the window at the mountains of snow. You knew there’d be a lot of snow at the […]
You are the official taste tester for King Dankmore, long may he go unpoisoned. Stoically, you stand to the right of his golden throne, ready to chow down for your kingdom. The spindly, bearded king whispers to you, “I would trade places with you in a heartbeat. You get to sample the finest food in […]
You are sitting on the sofa watching one of the Minions movies. It’s late. There’s an empty paper bag next to you that used to contain hard shell tacos, but now the tacos are gone. All you are left with are the memories of wolfing them down, and the guilt of not feeling like cleaning […]
It’s midnight in the middle of nowhere. Or, to be more precise, 11:51 pm SNT (Standard Nowhere Time). You responded to an ad in the classifieds looking for someone who can “perform an interesting service without asking nosy questions.” The ad offered “some pay!” You’re currently standing in Stumper’s Clunkers, a used car lot with […]
You are the manager of the local Poopie’s Pranks, a nationally-tolerated novelty store found in mostly-abandoned malls. Poopie’s specializes in such delights as 50th birthday cards that briefly electrocute the opener, edible panties that taste like rotten sauerkraut, and plastic hedge stones with phrases like, “Here Lies a Total Dumb-Ass” that fart when you pass […]
This one’s a video game! Click here to play.
It is morning at the farm where you have grown up all of your life. Your life in the olden times, that is! Your family sells fresh milk, cage-free eggs, and all-natural anthrax in recycled glass bottles to customers in the big city. You live on a tiny, remote farm with your parents – Ma […]
