You’ve got an incredible feeling about tomorrow, which is odd, because tomorrow is Wednesday. Everyone knows Wednesdays are the worst. You’ll have a long commute, as usual. You’ll have to write a ton of emails to idiots. The weekend will feel like it’ll never come. And every so often, you’ll have just enough time to […]
“How has your life been so far? BAD?” asks a stilted AI lady voice in a video ad on your phone you’re seeing on the toilet. She speaks over stock video clips of people crying and video game characters dying. “Install the Plunge app today. Plunge lets you sell years of your life for cash! […]
You’re watching the local news, waiting to see if your name will be called upon for human sacrifice, and you’re feeling very, very confident about your chances. After all, you sit at the cool kids table at lunch, you’ve been to second base at least twice, plus you can do an ollie and a pop shuvit. You’re […]
While your schoolmates spend the weekend socializing on planet Hynek, you fly your hand-me-down clunker of a spaceship to The Milky Way galaxy. Your destination is planet Earth, and your abduction target is farmer Blevins’ prize winning cow Betsy. Humans are normally the objective, but you spent too much class time ogling the slimy six-tentacled […]
This is it. You’ve completed your many years of astronaut training, and after a long, laborious selection process, you’ve earned the only seat in the first manned ship headed out of the solar system. Your mission: Fly off as far as you can into space, exploring new worlds and bringing new knowledge back to Earth […]
There’s a gnawing in your stomach. A deep hunger – not for food, not for love, and certainly not for justice. Your greatest need in the world is for a number on a computer screen to increase. Your wizard is at the lowest possible level. Level 1. How sad. How shocking! How pathetic. And you dare call yourself […]
You are floating through a dark tunnel at an unfathomable speed. Like Space Mountain, but more so. There’s a pinpoint of light ahead of you that’s getting larger and larger. A cacophony of voices echo around you, but one voice rises above them all, and it’s getting closer. You can’t make out exactly what the […]
“Cap-tan! Op-an! Op-an! Mergency, cap-tan!” shouts Zum-Zum through your captain’s door. The first decent night of sleep you’ve gotten in weeks, ruined by the ship’s resident hairball. This better be good. You hear a bang, bang, bang on your door, then a few button bleeps. Zum-Zum rushes in through the sliding door into your captain’s […]
You unearthed an ancient ooze from your backyard while digging up a childhood time capsule. The gooey creature was sustaining itself on the Fruit by the Foots and juicy Gushers you buried below the earth’s surface. Once unleashed, the wiggly, green glow-in-the-dark monster became a viral sensation and now a highly sought after entertainment brand. […]
You peak your furry head out of a trash can in a dingy alley. A delightful smell wafts into your twitching raccoon nose. “Is that the sweet, yet nutritious smell of Scarf-O’s Cereal?” you ask no one in particular. “With crunchy chocolate morsels and real beef jerky bits in every bite? I’ve gotta have it!” […]
You burst into the laboratory of the insidious Doctor Uncle! He’s about to fire a laser that will turn half the world’s population into comfortable, though difficult to assemble furniture. “This here, everything you’re doing,” you scold the mad scientist as your fists glow with powerful light energy in what would be a very cool […]
You stole the thing! What the thing is, you have no idea, but it’s yours now! As you clutch the brown leather bag tightly in your grubby, peon hand, you run like hell away from six or seven soldiers who are very upset you stole the thing. You race through the forest, the oppressive clopping […]
