“Cap-tan! Op-an! Op-an! Mergency, cap-tan!” shouts Zum-Zum through your captain’s door. The first decent night of sleep you’ve gotten in weeks, ruined by the ship’s resident hairball. This better be good. You hear a bang, bang, bang on your door, then a few button bleeps. Zum-Zum rushes in through the sliding door into your captain’s […]
You unearthed an ancient ooze from your backyard while digging up a childhood time capsule. The gooey creature was sustaining itself on the Fruit by the Foots and juicy Gushers you buried below the earth’s surface. Once unleashed, the wiggly, green glow-in-the-dark monster became a viral sensation and now a highly sought after entertainment brand. […]
The Galactic Menace congratulates you on completing your 8 week Death Laser Operations course at the University of Photons Online! To prove you have the technical knowledge, sound judgement, and boot-licking propensity necessary to become a Planet Destroyer on the Murdersphere Starship – capable of blowing up an entire homeworlds in seconds – complete this […]
Tonight you’re looking for love on Cyclops Island! You spend all day in your cave, only going outside to herd sheep. Have you ever tried to spoon with a sheep? They’re not amazing at it. Time to find a fellow giant for a life mate. On the wall is the magic mirror you massacred six […]
There’s sewage spewing out of the faucet in your tub. Your landlord – the mythical beast-man known as Bigfoot – will not call, text, or even… *shudder*… FaceTime you back. Come to think of it, you haven’t seen the elusive creature since you signed the lease to your “no bedroom” apartment. Bigfoot handed you the […]
You are a shiny, rainbow dolphin splashing in a shockingly blue ocean. A school of rainbow fish swim past you. You playfully chase them through the neon coral, smiling as you chew and swallow them. Their pink blood floats to the surface. An hour later, your body relaxes as you excrete wave after wave of […]
You are a happy bunny.The forest is your home.You graze on grass and berries.Your best friend is a gnome. New rabbits moved in lakesideDressed in bow ties and gowns.They worry that your presenceMakes home values go down. They put up signs and fencing.They hire patrolling snakes.So you won’t attempt to stealTheir scrumptious chocolate cakes. Their […]
You are an adult mole child. Your sharp claw hands dig a fresh tunnel through the dirt ground, slicing worms in half by the hundreds. Their tortured worm screams ring in your ears as you finally enter the Tunnel of Crud, a mole expressway. The tunnel has many off-shoots, one of which ends in a […]
You are a game tester, the sickest gig on the planet. Can you believe there’s a job where you get to play video games… for a living?! There’s no way a job replaying the same game over and over again to encounter minor errors and document them in detail for little pay could ever be anything but […]
You are a single-celled organism. Life is good. You live in a pond. There’s a nucleus in you somewhere. The other day you crawled around on the gravel, which was very exciting. You’re pretty sure you’re an amoeba, but you haven’t thought about it much. Deep down, you feel like this would be a good […]
