Never Say Tomorrow Will Die Enough

You are a super spy on the floor of a ritzy French casino. A nice joint. Real classy-like. At a crowded roulette table you spot your high-rolling target. He is Rufus Painwright, a mustachioed arms dealer in a white suit covered in blood stains. Everyone knows Rufus enjoys murdering people for fun and profit, and his wealth puts him above the law, so why bother with dry cleaning? Rufus catches your eye and waves you over to the mahogany table.

“Shall we dispense with the pleasantries?” he whispers with a gravely British accent that conjures respect, authority, and centuries of colonialism. “I have the device. Do as I say, or my rockets will transform cities into glorified potholes. Or as we British call them, lumpyscrumps.”

“Yes, we do call them that,” you agree, as you are also British. “What do you want? Money?”

“Let’s play a little game. If I win, the world dies. If you win, it lives. Can’t get more high stakes than that.”

Rufus claps. The goons carry away the roulette table. Underneath is a gold-plated version of the 1990 preschool game Mr. Bucket on a slick hardwood floor. Rufus hands you a tiny red plastic shovel. You must collect the red balls that spew from the cartoon bucket’s mouth and drop them back into his bucket body faster than Rufus does with his yellow balls… or global civilization will collapse in a burst of fire and blood.

What would you like to do?

If you’d like to cheat, click here.

To play Mr. Bucket fairly…

• Go to this website.
• Change the number of colors to “4.”
• Roll the color dice 12 times.

If you roll red 3 or more times, click here.

Otherwise, click here.