Night of the Living Sonic the Hedgehog Popsicle

You are in a secret underground laboratory. You’re surrounded by bubbling test tubes, neon glowing petri dishes, and one of those glass orbs where you touch it and the electricity hits your finger. What are they called again? They used to sell them at Spencer’s Gifts? They have them in Animal Crossing? Anyway.

You are the Chief Mad Scientist at Foodenstein Laboratories in Western Cleveland. Deep in the churning bowels of science, you toil away at making barely edible food products at the lowest possible cost with the least nutritional value that gets the most buzz on social media. In the past, you contributed critical research to KFC’s Chicken Skin Trough, Taco Bell x 7-Eleven’s Slurpadilla Crunch, and Quaker’s Oops All Deep Fried Baby Ruths cereal.

Tonight, you are stirring a freezing, foggy vat of blue-and-white “cream” with a giant metal paddle. Bright red “gumballs” ominously bob at the surface. By adding just a few key ingredients, you will achieve the greatest scientific food breakthrough in modern history: a talking Sonic the Hedgehog ice cream popsicle. It will only be chemically alive for 20 seconds after you unwrap it. Sonic will say, “Gotta go fast! Sonic the Hedgehog the movie is only on Blu-Ray for a limited time,” then the popsicle will die and can be eaten as normal. Theoretically!

The vat is bubbling over with cream. You take out a wooden popsicle stick from your lab coat. It’s covered in a thin layer of volatile, experimental slime. Your moment of truth has arrived…

What would you like to do?

To dip the wooden stick into the vat of blue cream, pick the choice that begins with the chemical symbol for Tungsten:

• Tubular!
• Ta-Da!
• Whoa!
• If you look up the answer on Google or Wikipedia, click here instead.

If you have a change of heart about playing God, click here.