← Reconcile with Your Moleman Father

[ifurlparam param=”Topic” is=”270″]

“Aren’t you happy to see me?” you sadly ask. “It’s been 270 years.”

“Oh, I’m absolutely thrilled,” your moleman father replies. “I love waiting multiple centuries to see my own children. Shall I tunnel around for joy?”

Groozler wields sarcasm like a pickaxe.

Mole Relationship Points: +0[/ifurlparam]

[ifurlparam param=”Topic” is=”Surface”]

“I’m doing really well in the surface-world, actually!” you defensively reply. “I’m a web designer for an auto insurance company!!!”

“Let me guess,” your moleman father replies. “None of the ‘hoo-mans’ you work with have seen your face, and you worry if they did, they would shriek with fear? Hmm?”

Groozler is, infuriatingly, right. Arghhh.

Mole Relationship Points: +0[/ifurlparam]

[ifurlparam param=”Topic” is=”War”]

“Are you reading about the greatest mole war in history?” you kindly ask. “Uh, the second one?”

“That’s right,” your moleman father replies. “Most of these books are about what would’ve happened if Adolf Diggler won Mole War II, but Molessolini also could’ve done things differently, and that’s what I’m interested in.”

Groozler is grateful to speak to literally anyone about this book.

Mole Relationship Points: +2[/ifurlparam]

[ifurlparam param=”Topic” is=”Chest”]

“There’s something I need to get off my furry chest,” you assert. “I don’t think you care about me. You freeze me out with condescending remarks. It hurts, you know.”

“Hmph,” your moleman father grunts. “I wish you didn’t move so far away. Or knew how to dig efficiently. Or could somehow magically repair the poor relationship I had with my father. But I do care about you.”

Groozler is shocked and honestly relieved at your digging to the heart of the matter.

Mole Relationship Points: +4[/ifurlparam]

[ifurlparam param=”Topic” is=”Outdig”]

“I can outdig you any day of the week, old mole,” you assert.

“Is that a challenge?” your moleman father responds. “I’ll tunnel circles around you. Anytime. Anywhere. Let’s do this. But not now, of course, what with my temporary ​​arthritis…”

Groozler is shocked and weirdly pleased by your willingness to challenge him.

Mole Relationship Points: +4[/ifurlparam]

[ifurlparam param=”Topic” is=”Larvae”]

“I brought you some freeze dried larvae,” you offer, tossing him a plastic bag of grubs.

“I prefer them squirming,” your moleman father responds. “But they say it’s the thought that counts. So there you go.”

Groozler is particular about his larvae.

Mole Relationship Points: +1[/ifurlparam]

[ifurlparam param=”Topic” is=”Condo”]

“Why don’t you visit my surface-world condo?” you ask. “You can see my tables. I have three of them, you know. All different shapes and sizes!” 

“Oh, do ‘hoo-mans’ love tables,” your moleman father responds. “True molemen hate tables. We love eating off dirt, as The Great Snout intended. Dirt is where all the nutrients are. This only confirms my suspicion that the surface-world is terrifyingly dirtless.”

Groozler’s not going to the surface anytime soon.

Mole Relationship Points: +0[/ifurlparam]

[ifurlparam param=”Topic” is=”Stool”]

“Is that broken stool comfortable for your hunched back?” you ask.

“Comfortable enough,” your moleman father responds, muttering something about surface-world pillows making you too soft.

Groozler won’t admit it aloud, but it meant a lot to him that you cared to ask about his health.

Mole Relationship Points: +2[/ifurlparam]

[ifurlparam param=”Topic” is=”Leave”]

“Ughhh,” you groan. “Do you want me to leave?”

“You mean like how you left 270 years ago,” your moleman father responds. “Do whatever you want. You always have.”

Groozler is father of the year material.

Mole Relationship Points: +0[/ifurlparam]

[ifurlparam param=”Topic” is=”Book”]

“Will you please look up from your fracking book?” you ask.

“You have my undivided attention,” your moleman father responds, looking up. But it’s clear his beady eyes are darting back and forth between you and the page.

Groozler respects that you asserted yourself.

Mole Relationship Points: +2[/ifurlparam]

If this is your third response from Groozler, add up your Mole Relationship Points: