← Negotiate for the Elf Union
[ifurlparam param=”Right” is=”Gingerbread”]
You tell Santa the elves want fresh baked gingerbread in the kitchen. It’s exactly the kind of soft, moist power fuel they need for long shifts.
“Alright, fine,” Santa relents. “Mrs. Claus will place a delivery order with Whole Foods. She says I need to drink more kombucha anyway.”
Santa’s Rage: +5[/ifurlparam]
[ifurlparam param=”Right” is=”Bathroom”]
You tell Santa the elves need unlimited bathroom breaks. No more corporate pressure to hold it in until December 26th. They’ve been peeing on the workshop floor into baby bottles, some of which have accidentally been wrapped up as doll accessories!
“Unbelievable,” Santa relents. “This is going to lead to elves taking long, fanciful shits. I know it.”
Santa’s Rage: +25[/ifurlparam]
[ifurlparam param=”Right” is=”Hallmark”]
You tell Santa the elves want the Hallmark Channel on TV while they work. Their original Christmas movies inspire them, filling their hearts with low budget cheer.
“Whatever,” Santa relents. “When it comes to Christmas movies, I’m more of an Iron Man 3 guy.”
Santa’s Rage: +10[/ifurlparam]
[ifurlparam param=”Right” is=”Raise”]
You tell Santa the elves want an annual pay raise tied to inflation. Their wages haven’t risen in years. They don’t earn enough butterscotch candies to live on!
“Ridiculous!” Santa relents. “I’ll give them more candy directly out of my pocket. I don’t even draw a salary, you know. I eke out a meager living off the billions of dollars I earn each year in licensing rights.”
Santa’s Rage: +75[/ifurlparam]
[ifurlparam param=”Right” is=”Sweaters”]
You tell Santa the elves want to wear ugly Christmas sweaters on Fridays. They want to express their individual uniqueness by all wearing the same Baby Yoda one from Target.
“Sure,” Santa relents. “I mean, ugly sweaters are totally played out, but if they want to run around in dumb sweaters eating OMG bacon and quoting Parks and Rec, they can have at it.”
Santa’s Rage: +5[/ifurlparam]
[ifurlparam param=”Right” is=”Diversity”]
You tell Santa the union wants more elves of color in top workshop positions, like Stuffed Animal Squeezer and Alphabet Block Juggler. They demand a diversity hiring initiative to make changes like blind resume evaluation and North Pole community outreach.
“Wow,” Santa relents. “I thought the statement I released after George Floyd about racism being bad was enough, but apparently it wasn’t!”
Santa’s Rage: +50[/ifurlparam]
[ifurlparam param=”Right” is=”Insurance”]
You tell Santa the union wants the elves to have tummy ache insurance. When the workers go to the doctor after eating too many sweets, they get stuck with a very sour bill.
“I suppose we can expand coverage to tummy aches,” Santa relents. “But mark my words: they will never get dental. Not with those festering cavity receptacles they call mouths!”
Santa’s Rage: +25[/ifurlparam]
[ifurlparam param=”Right” is=”Flexwork”]
You tell Santa the union wants the elves to be able to work from home, snuggled up in their cozy beds under their handmade quilts next to their warm little fireplaces.
“WHAT?!” Santa exclaims. “How are they supposed to work from home? It’s an assembly line! All the equipment and materials are in the workshop– No, you know what. I’ll accept, but only because I want to prove this is a terrible idea and embarrass the union! HO HO HO!”
Santa’s Rage: +90[/ifurlparam]
[ifurlparam param=”Right” is=”Swag”]
You tell Santa the union wants the elves to get free Santa’s Workshop swag. Because the greatest gift of all is a plastic water bottle your employer slapped the company logo onto.
“Okay,” Santa relents. “I’ll get a bunch of logo t-shirts made, but everyone’s getting the same size. If it doesn’t fit, then it’s not a t-shirt, it’s a dish rag with sleeves.”
Santa’s Rage: +5[/ifurlparam]
[ifurlparam param=”Right” is=”Whistleblower”]
You tell Santa the union wants a written guarantee that whistleblowers won’t be retaliated against by being fired, prosecuted, or permanently gift wrapped.
“I only agree to this because it’s so close to Christmas,” Santa relents. “But mark my words, if I see any of you little shits crying on Oprah…!”
Santa’s Rage: +85[/ifurlparam]
[ifurlparam param=”Right” is=”Gameroom”]
You tell Santa the elves want to join in all the reindeer games, but there’s no common space for elves and reindeer to play reindeer games together. You don’t know what reindeer games are exactly, but they must be fun if reindeer are always playing them. Maybe they’re into D&D?
“Fine,” Santa relents. “It’ll be a pain, but I’ll convert the breastfeeding room into a hybrid space.”
Santa’s Rage: +10[/ifurlparam]
[ifurlparam param=”Right” is=”Harassment”]
You tell Santa the union demands sexual harassment training for all employees, including upper management. Especially in light of recent allegations.
“No need to remind me,” Santa relents. “Mrs. Claus and I haven’t spoken in months.”
Santa’s Rage: +15[/ifurlparam]
- If Santa’s Rage is over 100, click here.
- If you want to end negotiations, click here.
- Otherwise, return to the email and make more demands. How many can you get?