This is How Your Quest Turns Out…
[ifurlparam param=”Quest” is=”Map”]
The bald man waves over the comely barmaid. She takes your bag of gold, then reaches into her long cleavage for a rolled-up treasure map.
You and your heroes venture into the outer hills to find the “X” location on the map. After a few minutes of digging up dirt, you discover… a treasure chest! And inside the chest…. is gold! Specifically, melted chocolate wrapped in gold foil. Alas, it was too good to be true. At least the flies around you are overjoyed.
Lose up to 100 gp
Two words to look out for in a job listing: “magic map.”[/ifurlparam]
[ifurlparam param=”Quest” is=”Bank”]
The bald man sends you and your heroes to the alley between the treasure bank and the poisonry. There you meet Robert, a handsome young lad who administers guardian trials. He takes your standard trial fee, then sends you on your test: defeat a basilisk. Anyone who can best a basilisk can serve the treasure bank.
Successful but badly wounded, you enter the bank. Unfortunately, no one there has heard of “Robert” and the tellers scream at the blood dripping from your decapitated basilisk head.
Lose up to 10 gp
‘Twas but a little scam![/ifurlparam]
[ifurlparam param=”Quest” is=”Castle”]
The bald man instructs you and your heroes to visit Castle Flim, a two day journey on the northwest pass. After a long trip, you look around the castle for a king or a dutchess or someone who looks like they’re super into ghosts. Maybe with a shawl and one bulging eye. Instead, the infamous Flam bandits take your adventurers by surprise! They steal your shit and run away, laughing. I’m sad to say you’ve been literally flim-flammed.
Lose up to 25 gp
This classic scam never dies.[/ifurlparam]
[ifurlparam param=”Quest” is=”Rabbits”]
The bald man tells you and your heroes to visit farmer Omorn’s field, next town over. Omorn was a wizard who retired for the simple farm life. When you arrive, the elderly wizard is grateful for your help. To catch these mischievous, carrot-eating monsters, you’ll need legendary Shoes of Quickness, which he sells to you all for a modest fee.
As you step onto the fields, ready to get rich, the shoes move on their own – running past the field, down the road, and back to Deceiptville. When you try to go back to Omorn’s field to confront the wizard, the whole farm has disappeared. Motherf–
Lose up to 80 gp
If the gig feels too good to be true, it might be you who’s getting “worked.”[/ifurlparam]
[ifurlparam param=”Quest” is=”Hands”]
The bald man tells you to go to the cave mouth in the forest and await further instructions. When you reach the cave mouth, a blast of fire spews out! Then, a green dragon’s head pokes out and snaps its jaws at you.
“At last, my food delivery has arrived!” says the dragon. “Don’t run. I want to eat those crunchy little hands of yours.”
In your haste to leave, you drop some gold, and soil your lower armor.
Lose up to 50 gp
“Must have hands” is a strangely broad job requirement.[/ifurlparam]
[ifurlparam param=”Quest” is=”Blacksmith”]
The bald man instructs you to visit Abbi, the local blacksmith across the street. Abbi gives each of you a warm smile and a strong handshake. You marvel at the leather box she sells you, which she says contains everything you need to start a successful blacksmith shoppe.
When you open the box, inside you find three small iron medals with inscriptions on them: “Good Location,” “Business Plan,” and “Grit.” Abbi asks if you have any questions while wielding a mace with a crazed look in her eyes. You say “no” and leave immediately.
Lose up to 100 gp
No apprenticing required, but scammability is a must.[/ifurlparam]
[ifurlparam param=”Quest” is=”Bullywug”]
The bald man tells you to capture a bullywug in Noscam Swamp and bring it to Wazoo the Wizard for payment. Your party goes to the murky swamp and befriends an eager young frog-man named Plimp. It turns out he’s always wanted to meet a real-life wizard. What luck!
After you bring Plimp to Wazoo’s tower, he slips you a bag of gold and says, “You saw nothing.” As you leave for town, you hear surprised croaking in the distance.
Gain 50 gp
This wasn’t a scam, just morally murky.[/ifurlparam]
[ifurlparam param=”Quest” is=”Jailbreak”]
The bald man instructs you to break into Deceiptville Jail to release Henry the Alchemist. You stay up late into the night formulating a plan. Every adventurer is given a specific role to execute. The cleric shines a heavenly light where there is darkness. The acrobat scales the jail walls. The barbarian acts out of turn and bursts a hole in the wall, freeing Henry instantly.
Henry is grateful and pays handsomely. He was accused of poisoning Fredrick, the dealer of magical items, an entirely baseless claim. Henry has poisoned many people – like his three uncles, for example – but never Fredrick. They play cards together!
Gain 100 gp
This wasn’t a scam. In Deceiptville, it might not even be against the law?[/ifurlparam]
[ifurlparam param=”Quest” is=”Mayor”]
The bald man sends your party to the backroom of the tavern, which has an “Assassin’s Guild ONLY – NO Non-Assassins” sign on it. When you enter the dark room, a man in a red cloak steps forward. He instructs you to eliminate the Mayor of Deceiptville tomorrow night, when he least expects it: right before the Mayor sets fire to the town orphanage and pet shoppe. He’s a sick dude! That’s how you get to be mayor of the most corrupt town in the country.
You ice the Mayor. Crossbow to the brain. Easy. The Assassin’ Guild pays you for your trouble. (All the other assassins were at Murder-Con this weekend.)
Gain 250 gp
This was an illegal gig, as murder tends to be, but not a scam![/ifurlparam]
[ifurlparam param=”Quest” is=”Head”]
The bald man points you to the corner of the bar, where a headless man sits on a stool. He shrugs his shoulders at a beer in front of him. Your party searches the town for a loose head. There are no human heads stuck in any trees, gutters, or dog mouths.
Desperate, your party goes to the local psychic. What luck! The psychic trapped the man’s head in a glass orb and forced it to tell rhyming fortunes. Apparently the psychic and the man were dating and the break-up was messy. You reunite the man’s head with his body, in exchange for being the psychic’s wing-team at the bar.
Gain 50 gp
You didn’t lose your head – or money – over this one.[/ifurlparam]
If this is your third quest: Add up all your gold, then click on the corresponding ending.
Otherwise, return to the email for more quests.