← You Are a Zombie Yelp Reviewer

[ifurlparam param=”Notice” is=”Consistency”]”MAN BRAINS LIKE LIQUID. MORE SLURPY THAN BITEY. YOU KNOW WHAT BE FUN? GET GLASS CUP AND EAT BRAINS WITH STRAW LIKE MILKSHAKE. ROMANTIC IF SHARE! [/ifurlparam][ifurlparam param=”Notice” is=”Flavor”]”MAN BRAINS TASTE LIKE… NO SWEET… NO SOUR… NO JUICY… NO BITTER… VERY BRAIN-LIKE IN TASTE. THINK TOFU BUT NO TOFU BECAUSE BRAIN. [/ifurlparam][ifurlparam param=”Notice” is=”Mouthfeel”]”MAN BRAINS SOFT IN MOUTH. BRAINS KEEP LEAVE MOUTH WHEN TRY TO PUT IN MOUTH. STAY IN MOUTH, BRAINS. LOLOLOL! [/ifurlparam][ifurlparam param=”Review” is=”Yummy”]MAN BRAINS REALLY HIT SPOT. IF SEE MAN WITH BIG HEAD AT 8TH AND BLOODWAY, RECOMMEND YOU KILL ANYWAY CAN BECAUSE THESE BRAIN NOT TO BE MISSED!!!”[/ifurlparam][ifurlparam param=”Review” is=”Pedestrian”]MAN BRAINS DISAPPOINT. ME NO LIKE BRAINS, BUT ME KNOW GOOD BRAINS FROM BAD AND BRAINS AT 8TH AND BLOODWAY BAD. MUCH JUCIER BRAINS COWERING IN FEAR IN CONDE NAST BUILDING.”[/ifurlparam][ifurlparam param=”Review” is=”Bad”]MAN BRAINS FRUSTRATE ON EVERY LEVEL. NO LIKE TASTE. NO LIKE WAY MAN NOT JUST GIVE BRAINS TO ME. STAY AWAY FROM 8TH AND BLOODWAY IF WANT BRAINS. THESE BRAAAAINS BAAAAAAD!”[/ifurlparam]

After you post your review, you stare at your phone’s screen for a few hours. Finally, a notification pops up. 1 zombie found your review helpful! [ifurlparam param=”Review” is=”Yummy”]You’re so excited to connect hungry zombies with under-appreciated brains! [/ifurlparam][ifurlparam param=”Review” is=”Pedestrian”]You’re a bona fide brain critic. A few days later, you launch your newsletter THE FLESH EATER on Substack. [/ifurlparam][ifurlparam param=”Review” is=”Bad”]Good. Now no one has to suffer like you did. You wonder if there are any zombie cooks who deep fry brains. A little sriracha, maybe they’d be okay.[/ifurlparam]

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