← Hack the Planet \\ Literally!
You type the command into the glowing keyboard:
[ifurlparam param=”Command” is=”CreateDiamonds”]
> CREATE DIAMONDS
Instantly, you’re surrounded by piles and piles of diamonds. There are various sizes. Some are barely visible, others are as big as your face. There are so many, it’s hard to move without their sharp edges piercing your skin, but if you can get them out of here, you’ll be very rich.[/ifurlparam]
[ifurlparam param=”Command” is=”CreateTwitter”]
> CREATE TWITTER
Your phone buzzes again. There’s a new app on your phone called Better Twitter. It’s just like Twitter, except only you can tweet and everyone else just likes your posts. You compose your first better tweet: “Not enough of you ingrates are on here thanking me for this. #MagicKeyboard”[/ifurlparam]
[ifurlparam param=”Command” is=”CreateSUV”]
> CREATE SUV LIMO
Honk, honk! Outside your apartment, a brand new SUV limo awaits. You go outside and hop into your chariot. The driver asks where you want to go. You decide to go to the Burger King drive-thru. However, there’s a long line of SUV limos ahead of you. Damn you, prom night![/ifurlparam]
[ifurlparam param=”Command” is=”CreateEarth”]
> CREATE EARTH
You look outside your window. In the night sky, the moon has been replaced by a whole other earth. It looks similar, green and blue, but with way more peninsulas. Huh. You wonder if anyone cool lives there, or if they all suck.[/ifurlparam]
[ifurlparam param=”Command” is=”CreateParrot”]
> CREATE PARROT
On your shoulder, a red and white parrot appears. It says funny stuff like, “Polly, want a cracker?” and “Balls, balls, crap, balls.” Maybe you could shoot a little YouTube video or something. Wingman, the pet parrot you already own, looks insanely jealous.[/ifurlparam]
[ifurlparam param=”Command” is=”ControlDiamonds”]
> CONTROL DIAMONDS
Your grandmother’s diamond ring is on your desk. You were going to sell it for more taco money, but now you feel compelled to point at it. The diamond flies through the air and into your hand! You test out the power in a jewelry store and it works! Also, you’re a supervillain now![/ifurlparam]
[ifurlparam param=”Command” is=”ControlTwitter”]
> CONTROL TWITTER
You scroll through your feed. There’s a new button that looks like a bomb, which only exists on your phone. It allows you to instantly blow up other users’ phones. If Twitter won’t get rid of the Nazis, you will.[/ifurlparam]
[ifurlparam param=”Command” is=”ControlSUV”]
> CONTROL SUV LIMO
There’s an SUV limo outside your apartment. You hop into the driver’s seat and turn the key in the ignition. When you move the steering wheel, the vehicle turns, and when you push the gas pedal, it goes. You have complete control over the limo![/ifurlparam]
[ifurlparam param=”Command” is=”ControlEarth”]
> CONTROL EARTH
A little round device appears on the wall, like an electronic thermostat. It allows you to adjust the current temperature anywhere in the world, slow or speed up earth’s orbit, and turn the world’s volume up or down. You’re a little scared that if you touch it, even slightly, everyone will die.[/ifurlparam]
[ifurlparam param=”Command” is=”ControlParrot”]
> CONTROL PARROT
Your pet parrot, Wingman, is suddenly staring at you. When you tell the green bird to say “ass,” it says “ass.” When you tell him to dance, he bobs his head and shakes his wings. When you tell the bird to do your taxes, he flies out of his cage and dives into Quickbooks. You get audited the following year, but he does a good job for a bird.[/ifurlparam]
[ifurlparam param=”Command” is=”HugDiamonds”]
> HUG DIAMONDS
There’s a knock on your door. You answer and a diamond golem, a humanoid creature about your height made entirely from diamonds, stretches out its arms. You embrace the diamond golem. The sharp edges of its diamonds poke at your skin, but its cold shiny embrace is strangely comforting.[/ifurlparam]
[ifurlparam param=”Command” is=”HugTwitter”]
> HUG TWITTER
You teleport to Twitter’s data center in Atlanta, where you hug the various servers that contain all the celebrity apologies and baby shoe memes you love so much. The servers are warm and full of wires.[/ifurlparam]
[ifurlparam param=”Command” is=”HugSUV”]
> HUG SUV LIMO
You look outside. There’s an SUV limo waiting for you. When you walk up to the vehicle, you put your arms around the hood as best you can and give it a squeeze. The driver sighs. “How come everyone wants to hug the car,” he thinks, “but no one wants to hug ol’ Tony?”[/ifurlparam]
[ifurlparam param=”Command” is=”HugEarth”]
> HUG EARTH
Suddenly, your arms begin to stretch, like they were made of infinite rubber! You can feel your hands bursting through walls, knocking over pedestrians, and crossing entire oceans. The length of your arms are approximately 12,500 miles each, long enough to give the whole earth a little squeeze.[/ifurlparam]
[ifurlparam param=”Command” is=”HugParrot”]
> HUG PARROT
Your pet parrot, Wingman, flies out of his cage and into your tender embrace. Wingman wasn’t much of a hugger before. More of a biter, really. But your green feathered friend nuzzles his soft head into your warm chest. This is exactly what you needed right now.[/ifurlparam]
[ifurlparam param=”Command” is=”DestroyDiamonds”]
> DESTROY DIAMONDS
Your grandmother’s diamond engagement ring, which was on your desk to hock for chalupa money, blows up in a tiny explosion! You turn on the news, and it seems as though diamond rings, necklaces, and phone cases are mysteriously blowing up. The general consensus is that De Beers is responsible. Phew.[/ifurlparam]
[ifurlparam param=”Command” is=”DestroyTwitter”]
> DESTROY TWITTER
You look at your phone. The Twitter app is gone. You breathe a sigh of relief. The curse is finally broken.[/ifurlparam]
[ifurlparam param=”Command” is=”DestroySUV”]
> DESTROY SUV LIMO
You look outside. There’s an SUV limo waiting for you. All of a sudden, it blows up in a fiery explosion! The force of the blast knocks you off your feet. As the fire department puts out the flames, a fireman asks what you think caused the blast. “Not a magic keyboard, that’s for sure!” you lie, smoothly. The fireman nods. He’s never heard of a magic keyboard starting a fire before. Your story checks out.[/ifurlparam]
[ifurlparam param=”Command” is=”DestroyEarth”]
> DESTROY EARTH
The earth suddenly – and without warning – explodes into millions of fiery pieces. You did it! However, since you happen to be living on earth at the time, you totally die.[/ifurlparam]
[ifurlparam param=”Command” is=”DestroyParrot”]
> DESTROY PARROT
You turn to your pet parrot, Wingman, who’s shaking furiously in his cage. “Polly… why?” he squeaks out, before exploding in a puff of dark smoke and feathers. As you clean up the mess, you see the papers lining the bottom of his bird cage. Apparently Wingman was the leader of a right “wing” terror plot, and you are officially a national hero.[/ifurlparam]
[ifurlparam param=”Command” is=”InvertDiamonds”]
> INVERT DIAMONDS
Your grandmother’s diamond ring is on your desk. You were going to sell it for more taco money, but now it looks utterly worthless. Dirty, rusty, dull, even a little smelly. Did this happen to all the diamonds in the world? If so, tomorrow is gonna suck for the social media team at De Beers.[/ifurlparam]
[ifurlparam param=”Command” is=”InvertTwitter”]
> INVERT TWITTER
You look at your phone. The Twitter app icon is now brown and black instead of blue and white, and it’s called Rettiwt. Your feed is full of meandering, deeply personal status updates that have little relevance to the world at large. Congratulations, you’ve just invented LiveJournal.[/ifurlparam]
[ifurlparam param=”Command” is=”InvertSUV”]
> INVERT SUV LIMO
You look outside. There’s a black SUV limo waiting for you with neon LED strip lights and a hot tub. All of a sudden, it magically transforms into a sensible, fuel efficient compact beige sedan rated first in its class for safety by J. D. Power and Associates. You’re saving the environment, and making the world a little more boring, one magic keyboard command at a time.[/ifurlparam]
[ifurlparam param=”Command” is=”InvertEarth”]
> INVERT EARTH
In an instant, all the colors of earth are inverted. It looks like a tie-dyed x-ray. The night sky is bright white and the white walls of your apartment are dark gray. Also, everything is the opposite of what you would expect. The president takes out your garbage. Dentists ruin your teeth by punching you repeatedly in the jaw. Film schools teach courses on Rob Schneider. This’ll be a fun change of pace![/ifurlparam]
[ifurlparam param=”Command” is=”InvertParrot”]
> INVERT PARROT
You turn to your pet parrot, Wingman, who is now an adorable kitten in a bird cage. Huh. Are cats the “inverted” opposite of birds? The keyboard seems to think so. Your cat makes a much better pet than the bird, and you enjoy his fuzzy companionship for years to come.[/ifurlparam]
THE END
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